April 6. 2021. My first ultrasound appointment for my third pregnancy at UT Southwestern Hospital was scheduled at 7:30 in the morning. Because of COVID, Toru couldn’t go with me to my doctor’s office. After all the paperwork at the front desk, I was waiting in the lobby. There was another women waiting with a fluffy belly, we exchanged smile. The nurse called me inside after about 10-12 minutes. The sonographer welcomed me with a smile “Hello there! My name is Sophie and I’ll do the ultrasound today. Could you please tell me your name and date of birth?” As I confirmed her my name and date of birth she gave me a gown and asked me to undress myself from the bottom half of my body. “I’ll check your uterus first and then will show you the heartbeat. Okay?” She told me as she entered the transducer into my vagina. In less than two minutes her smile faded away as she was looking at the screen rigorously. “I’ll push it a little further. You may feel a little more pressure.” Her full attention was on the computer screen, her hands moving the transducer slowly inside my vagina. After few more minutes she took out the transducer “okay honey! You can get up and clean yourself and put back your cloths. I’ll call the doctor and let her know that we are done here. Okay?” She really tried hard to smile. “You told me you will show me the heartbeat. There is no heartbeat, right?” I looked straight into her eyes. She paused for a while…… “You know something honey? I am not allowed to tell you anything. The doctor will come in a minute and will explain you everything. You get dressed up. Okay?” She left the room, pulling the round curtain.
I was okay. I knew what happened. This time I knew what happened. I got up, cleaned myself and dressed up, sipped into my water bottle. Then I laid down onto the bed again. I was tired and sleepy. Previous night, I didn’t sleep well. I don’t know after how many minutes Toru called “Is the ultrasound done?” I was calm this time “it’s done……I know something is wrong and I think I know what is wrong”. He paused for few seconds “Did she tell you anything?” “No! She told me she will show me the heartbeat after checking my uterus and then she couldn’t show me anything because ……..” I couldn’t finish saying it. No!…… I didn’t want to say it….. I already knew but I didn’t want to believe it…,,. I was holding my tummy…..hoping that something will change…. something will change and the heart will start beating. The doctor came after 30 minutes? An hour? I don’t know but I felt that I was there for a long time; all by myself; I was waiting with a heart ache, with a little hope that she will say something different than I was fearing for. She looked anxious. I felt really bad for her. She was a replacement for my gynecologist because he was stuck in a surgery. “Tell me your name and date of birth.” She was trying to pull out my information from the computer. “You can tell me. I know what is happening.” My voice was steady. “Bidita! I am so sorry! The ultrasound shows that it has stopped five days back. I am so sorry!”
As the doctor came close to me and held my hand, my mind, body, consciousness everything raced back to five days. “What was I doing five days back? It was a Friday. What was I doing? Did I do anything wrong that day or the previous day? Didn’t I eat properly? Did I eat anything bad? Did I work too much? Did I sleep less? Was I in the shower for long? Did I use too much hot water? What wrong did I do that Friday? Nothing?? Then……then why????”
April 12. 2021. My D&C was scheduled at 7:30 in the morning; I went there at 5:30 by myself. My husband couldn’t go with me because, Arjya was doing school online so he needed to be at home. We could drop him at some friend’s place but I wanted my husband to be with our son. Arjya needed his dad more than I needed my husband. And I wanted to be alone for a while. I knew there will be all the doctors and nurses and I won’t be really alone but I didn’t want any of my family with me. The nurse was the most professional yet the kindest one I ever met. Not for a single time she told me that she was sorry about what happened to me. I was grateful to her for that. I didn’t want to hear any more sorry from anyone. She was touching my hands in between while she was preparing me and was talking to me kindly. She even kept her hand on my forehead couple of times! She didn’t ask me anything but was sharing her own story with me “I live with my finance and it’s an hour drive from this hospital. Everyday, my rotation is for 12 hours so eventually I stay out of home for 14 hours!” She smiled. “A vacation would have been very nice right now but I can’t take any day off, we have stuff shortage and I don’t want the patients to be unattended when they need us or to wait for a long time to be scheduled for any procedure…..we are planning for a baby. I wanted to visit my parents in Utah before that but I don’t know if I can….” she continued. I was listening to her and also was not listening to her. “Utah is a very nice place. I have been there once to visit my aunt’s family…..I’ll pray for your baby” I smiled at her. “Thank you!” She smiled back. I was looking at the big big window from where I could see the blue sky covered with some white cloud (this kind of cloud is called cumulonimbus cloud and I really can’t pronounce it). There were some white birds flying outside the window of the 7th floor outpatient room. I heard that when a human life can’t make it to the earth, then it becomes a bird or a flower or something else and then goes to heaven. I was wondering, if my baby was one of those birds came to say goodbye to his mommy! Tears were rolling down. Heart was bleeding. The IV was on to supply the necessary minerals to my body. I wanted to stop crying or may be not; it was one of those toughest hours of my life.
My gynecologist was the first person to say sorry to me, for my loss, for not being able to meet me the day when they found “no heartbeat”. He was kind. He kept one of his hands on my knee, was talking to me in a soft, low voice. He explained me the procedure which was really not important to me, but I was glad that someone was talking to me. There were the nurse, the doctor, the anesthesiologist and some other hospital stuff I didn’t know.
“Morning Bidita! I am Dave. I am your anesthesiologist and I’ll take care of your anesthesia today.” As he told me, he pushed some medicine through the IV tube. I was glad that everyone was calling me by my name; for some unknown reasons it felt good. Then I remember the nurse and the doctor and the anesthesiologist, standing beside me…..And that’s all…..
I woke up with the nurse calling me “Bidita, you hear me?” I could hear her. I opened my eyes and then closed my eyes and then opened my eyes and then closed my eyes……I saw her standing beside me “it’s all done. You woke up quickly. I’ll give you few more minutes to get back the full consciousness and then you will try to walk to the restroom.” I felt much much better knowing that “it’s all done.” Yes it was all done. They freed him. The heart ache were gone too. “I will see you on the other side of the universe. Till then bye. Mommy loves you so much and mommy will always love you.”
Toru and Arjya went to the hospital to pickup me after the surgery. Arjya plucked a red rose from our front yard for me. I still have the flower pressed in a diary. I think it’s him….Arjya picked his little brother and gave him to me….he always wanted a brother….
I’ll never know how it feels to have a second child. I’ll never know how it feels to balance between two kids. Arjya will never know how it feels to have a sibling. But I know that he would have been a great elder brother. I am so sorry Arjya! I couldn’t make us a family of four. I am sorry!
The two names Sophie and Dave are not real names.